Back to School: Ask the Psychologist

Parents have just as many questions about the impending school year as children. P&K asked the psychologists at Vorpahl Psychology Associates, LLC with locations in Medfield and Dalton to address some of your pressing concerns. VPA (www.vpa-psychologist.com) provides a wide range of psychological services with a special focus on child, adolescent and family issues.

Explaining the Half-Day, Full-Day Decision

How do parents and kids talk to each other about half-day versus full-day kindergarten? For instance, when one child sees another leaving at 12:15 and asks why, what do you say? When one child sees his/her whole class staying, how do you reply?

- Sara from Lexington

Dear Sara,
To encourage thoughtfulness and critical thinking skills, I would start by saying in a playful tone something like, “I’ll tell you, but first, do you have any ideas?” His responses will help give you some insight into how he sees the world and perhaps, the reason for the question.

When you do offer an answer it should be calmly stated: simple, direct and honest. An example in this case might be: “Some kids and parents just have different schedules so they need to leave at different times.”

What seems to be more important here, however, is that I sense you have some (well-intentioned) concern about saying the “right” thing. You are certainly in good company, as parents appear to be increasingly relying on the widespread chorus of pediatric advice in our culture rather than experimentation with their own intuitive sensibilities and flexibility.

Parents’ hesitancy to be willing to say the “wrong” thing or make a mistake often generates a contagious anxiety that will spread to their child. Consequently, the child, unaware of what is happening, may feel confused, worried and scared, which in turn leads the parent to feel they really have said the wrong thing and soon enough both parent and child feel helpless.

Instead, when the parent approaches the child with a humble air of confidence, the child is able to feel secure in the world even if he has a negative reaction to his parent’s responses. This keeps things clear for him and his parent. It is easier for him to know that he doesn’t agree with his mom versus starting to feel anxious and not knowing why.

Dr. Irit Feldman is a clinical psychologist with over 7 years experience.

Supporting The Shy Child

How can I help my child cope with extreme shyness and new school adjustment?
-    Christine from Boston

Dear Christine:

Peer interactions come so naturally to some children. They spend their days organizing kickball games during recess, inviting friends to their half-birthday parties, or negotiating a high-stakes trade of snack food. They are children born with an intuitive understanding of social dynamics. This gives them an opportunity to practice managing the intricacies of relationships and enhances their ability to connect with the world around them. However, not all children are born with this inherent level of comfort. 

Perhaps your child plays for endless hours with the family friend she grew up with; it is also possible that she is the life of the party with cousins or neighbors. It’s easy to pick up where you left off in a fluid stream of familiar interactions but negotiating the social rules of a novel environment may feel confusing and even scary. Shy children are often slow-to-warm-up. They need more time to jump onto the party train than many of their peers and by the time they are ready, may be intimidated or feel as if the train has left without them.

One of the key ingredients in social comfort is having a sense of belongingness. An assertive child may look at her new classroom and think: “My teacher writes on the chalkboard in pink because she knows I like it! I am going to love it here!” A more inhibited child may think: “Everyone seems so comfortable, they must have been here before.” 

Establishing a sense of belongingness and ownership is a key ingredient in managing shyness. Many parents will take their child to meet the teacher before school begins, but a shy child may need a much more extensive opportunity to warm up than this. The best way to meet this need is to be creative: volunteer your child to help out in the school library once a week over the summer, sign her up for tennis lessons at the school court, volunteer for the bottle and can drive, you get the idea. It’s not really about what they are doing, it’s about ownership and belonging. We cannot un-shy a shy child. They are our observers, our think-before-they act people. We need them. However, we will bulldoze right over them if they are not taught appropriate coping skills early on. Teaching your child to manage their shyness through strategic community involvement is a great skill set to have and will help to increase both their comfort and confidence.

Dr. Julie Sprenkle is a licensed clinical psychologist with over 6 years experience.

The Bully Factor

My son had a few issues with bullies last year. Nothing serious, but it still made my son uncomfortable. Is it best to advise him to ignore them or is it best to have him speak up for himself?
- Lisa from Medway

Dear Lisa:

Upon observing a group of 4- and 5-year-old children at a local preschool, I noticed some interesting behaviors: They were running and jumping, swinging and singing, and yes, they were bullying! Isn’t it disconcerting to think of bullying taking place at such a young age? From the time that our children start actively engaging with peers, cooperative play runs the risk of turning un-cooperative and even harmful. These are not exactly the experiences that adults like to hark back to when they outline the developmental milestones. The reality is that children can be cruel at any age and most of us experienced this first-hand at some stage in our youth. 

As a reference point, “bullying” has become a widely accepted blanket term to describe intentionally harmful behavior. It is used for an event as standard as repeated name-calling of a well-adjusted but bothered child. In contrast, the term “bullying” is also used to describe substantially traumatizing harassment that leads to long-term mental health issues. This sizeable gap illustrates the importance of evaluating both the level of severity or quality of the bullying, as well as your child’s emotional response to the experience. 

With regards to the more intense versions of bullying, it is almost never a good idea to directly confront the person responsible. Doing so will likely add fuel to the fire and more importantly, may be a safety risk. In these cases, a professional should be consulted to help manage the intricacies of the situation. For dealing with the more commonly experienced or milder versions of bullying you will need to consider your child’s social competency. Where one child may respond in an assertive and well-humored manner to bullying, another child may respond more awkwardly to the same experience. 

One way to determine your child’s readiness to manage this level of social confrontation is to evaluate his comfort with peer interactions as a whole. Does your son successfully stand up to his friends, asserting his wants and needs, or does he struggle to socialize on a more basic level? There is nothing wrong with giving your child some necessary coaching or even a little loving nudge, as long as he’s mastered the basics of social negotiations. If not, it might be time to take a step back and do some more fundamental social skills work first. This is typically done in a peer group setting and should be led by a professional. For referrals you can contact your son’s school or go to our Web site.

Dr. Julie Sprenkle is a licensed clinical psychologist with over 6 years experience.