Ages & Stages: Mirror, Mirror

 
By Elizabeth Esse Kahrs

My son just started high school and it seems to be going really well for him.

I don’t know what I expected, all the years leading up to this point, certainly nothing positive, and I’m not sure why. Perhaps it’s my perception of my own high school years. Perhaps it’s the big build up in my head about my little boy growing older. Perhaps it’s a combination of both.

I was awkward in high school. Or, at least I thought I was. I played sports but was certainly no standout. I got very good grades, in fact I graduated 9th in my class, but not because I was working toward anything; it was more out of fear of disappointing myself. I look back at those years as a blur of what-should-I-wear, studying, sitting on the bench during basketball games, and struggling with which table to sit at in the cafeteria. I never really felt like I fit in. I finally settled into a group of sorts, the smart kids who hung out in the library in the comfy chairs. We were all social misfits in a way, but these people were far superior to the stupid jocks and brain-dead burnouts. Basically, they passed my standards for intelligence.

Looking back, I realize my feelings about the people of my high school had a lot to do with my feelings about myself. On the surface, I’m almost certain that I appeared confident—I was bubbly and smiley and put on a good show. But in actuality I felt a considerable amount of self-doubt. To complicate matters, part of me felt superior to these people while at the same time feeling inferior to them. As an adult, I can now look back and see what was really going on. Because I felt poorly about myself, I couldn’t help but feel poorly about others.

And so I watch my son for signs of hidden misery. So far, I don’t see any evidence of this. He’s a smiley one, too, but I suspect his smile is genuine. Tall, confident and at ease with himself, he is one impressive individual. He’s currently taking voice class as an elective which has led him to join the select choir. He’s on the cross country team and he’s getting good grades.  I couldn’t be more impressed with his ability to zero in on his interests and simply go for them.

In my son’s English class the other day, they were discussing the concept of vanity. The teacher looked out to the class.

“Do any of you look in the mirror a lot?”

The class remained silent but the teacher continued.

“Jack,” he said to my son, “Do you look in the mirror a lot?”

 “I do,” Jack replied.

This made the teacher laugh.

 “No really,” the teacher continued. “Do you?”

“Yeah,” Jack said. “I really do. “

Even now, light years away from high school, I can’t imagine ever feeling that

comfortable with myself.

Elizabeth Esse Kahrs is a mom, freelance columnist, and fiction writer living on the South Shore.